This is my story…a story that must be told. This is the story of how I became a high-value
target for a clever and experienced psychopath.
And before you read further, let me help remove what you think you already
know about psychopaths (that they’re all killers and visibly evil) and their
victims (are weak, lonely and clueless) and that all their stories are neatly
wrapped in a package like a lifetime movie, you’re wrong. Psychopaths come in as many packages as their
victims, and the types of relationships they feed on can be varied as well,
everything from that back-stabbing co-worker to the relative that everyone
knows is a piece of shit but tolerates because they are afraid of what will
happen if they don’t.
But this is my story and unfortunately, the similar story of
countless women, not only across the country, but who were also involved with a
psychopath known as Tom Guida or Gatto.
My story began when I got a message through an online dating
site. It went something like this: “Good afternoon…My name is Tom and I am 41
and just relocated to Raleigh from New York.
I am a psychologist and work for the Government. I am a Marine Reservist and just returned
home from a long deployment in Afghanistan.
I want to meet someone who….”
And within those first three sentences he planted six
sinister lies, which I wouldn’t know for months to come. We swapped a few messages and then, per my
normal, I asked him to give me a call. I
consider myself a pretty savvy online dater and quickly request a phone call
because I like to make sure I’m talking to someone I might actually want to
meet in person. He called right away and
we instantly hit it off. We kept talking
over the next couple of days and arranged to see each other that upcoming
weekend.
One of my mantras about trust is “I would rather trust
someone and be wrong, than not trust them and be wrong.” So even though some elements of Tom seemed
almost too good to be true, I kept true to myself and that was to trust unless
I could prove otherwise.
Our first date was really great; we met at a nice restaurant
and spent hours talking after dinner. We
had an instant connection, so much so, that someone in the restaurant said “Oh
my gosh, you guys must have been together forever…you can just see the
love!” We laughed many times about how
surprised she would be to know it was our first date.
We saw each other again the next two nights, as well. We abundantly had all the things I look
for…conversation, connection and chemistry.
On the second date he told me he was actually a reservist in MARSOC, the
special operations part of the Marines.
He said their last deployment was really hard on them because they had
lost one of their guys and he didn’t expect they would be deployed overseas
again before he retired in 21 months. He
said, since they were reservists, they usually just do short term missions that
last 3 days to 3 weeks. He asked me if I
could handle that, along with intermittent travel with his civilian job. I assured him I could because I am fairly
independent, confident and I am not needy at all.
He also explained that his civilian job was with the
Critical Incidence Response Group, which when googled, is part of the FBI. He never told me he was an FBI agent, per se…maybe
he thought that would be too unbelievable, or that I wouldn’t figure it out,
but by virtue of being a part of CIRG-you are agent. He said he was the group leader, a forensic
psychologist and used some of his military training in counterterrorism within
his civilian job. He knew a lot about
terrorism, and actually a lot about everything, and since I had no experience
with anyone in today’s military, or a secretive job, I didn’t know how to
identify any holes in his story.
The following weekend he had made big plans for us…I bought
a new dress and gorgeous, sexy shoes for what promised to be the nicest dates
ever. I was excited. The morning of the date, I got a text message
saying he had been called into work and told to bring a packed bag. He said they were going to help at the
Washington Mudslide (according to the CIRG website, that all fell within their
duties) and he apologized profusely. He
said his crazy schedule always got in the way of things when he found someone
he really liked and hoped I would understand.
Being a very easy-going person, I actually encouraged him knowing he
would be a help to the first responders, assuring him I would be rooting for
him from afar and see him when he returned home.
Only he never did.
From Washington, it was on to Texas and then on to Philly. While in Philly, he said his Marine Team got
activated and then it was one intricate string of lies after another on where
he was and what he was doing. When I
would start to get antsy about the unfulfilled promises and cancelled visits,
he would assure me they might get to come home soon, “so we can start our life
together.” I never intended to get into
a long-distance relationship, but I had somehow found myself in one.
I am a very supportive, understanding and easy-going girlfriend. I don’t make demands, I’m even-tempered, am
always interested in my man’s work and can easily put my man first in the
relationship. Regardless of that, there
was never a day in our 8-month relationship that I felt everything he said was
true, but the unnerving thing was I could never prove it wasn’t true. My plan was to validate once we got to spend
more time together, only he cleverly made sure that never happened. Because I am analytical in nature, I would
tell myself that it was my brain that had doubts, not my gut.
During our time apart, I have to admit I have never felt
such a connection to someone. There were
times, although we were miles apart where we felt what each other felt,
communicating on levels I have never communicated with anyone else. It was during this separation that we really
began to love each other. He was retiring
from the Marines in less than two years and I convinced myself that I could
handle it in exchange for a lifetime of such multi-leveled communication and
love.
Of course there were many times we planned trips to see each
other…even times when he claimed he was getting discharged, only to have him
call at the last minute and say they had changed his orders…again. He always made it seem as if he had zero control
over his ability to see me because that was just the nature of the marines and
the military wives I personally knew, said that is really the way it was for
their men. But in spite of this, HE was
so consistent; I never had to wonder if I would hear from him. Besides a lot of texting, he called every day
and we would talk about politics, terrorism, spirituality, psychology,
relationships and food…we both loved to cook and ate the same restrictive diet,
so we talked about food a lot!
The whole time I lived with the gut-wrenching feeling that
he might be married, that he might not be who he said he was. I googled…often. Not. One. Thing. Showed. Up. Ever.
And every time he gave me a snippet of information about his family, his
career, his past or his present, I would try to search the internet to see what
I could find.
I haven’t mentioned yet that I knew he lied about his
name. I saw the name on his credit card
as Tom Guida, but he had told me his name was Thomas Joseph Gatto. When I asked him about this, he said the
credit card was a fake name they issued him for work. I googled both names…again, all of the time
and still nothing would show up. Before
our first and second date, I even googled how to read someone’s facial
expressions to see if they are lying…he passed with flying colors.
Shortly after I met him I was finishing up training to be a
Dating Coach. According to experts on
this sort of psychopathy, the fact I was a Dating Coach and I am independent,
not-needy and don’t have family, made me become an irresistible high-value target. I never could figure out, if he was indeed a
con-man, where the payoff lied. I had
educated myself about con-men, narcissists, sociopaths and the likes and it
seemed they were always after money or sex.
He portrayed to make more money than me and we hadn’t had sex, nor did
we even talk about sex, so I took that as a positive sign that maybe this could
all be true. I now know for some
psychopaths, the thrill of pulling off the ruse is what excites them. As they are able to deceive more and more
people, they challenge themselves by finding more challenging targets and since
I asked questions from the start, I became even more of a challenge.
I did see him one other time. I flew up to Philly and visited him in NJ
where he claimed to be stationed out of Ft Dix.
He had about 16 hours of leave, so it was a last minute trip and we
stayed in a hotel off base and he had a rental car. When he went to check into the hotel, I
looked for the rental car information…I was looking for clues, both to validate
who he was or confirm he was a liar. But
again, I found nothing. He left me alone
in the hotel room twice and again, nothing.
During this visit is when we declared our love. We had acknowledged many times that we loved
each other without really saying it but vowed to wait until we could say it
face to face to say it out loud. It was
such a sweet relief to be able to finally say those three little words out loud
and to hear it from him as well. Our
love-making felt like a spiritual experience and certainly unlike anything I
had experienced before, I thought it was because our connection was so unique.
The visit went well in many ways, but it was far too short
for me to get answers to the growing list of questions I had in my head. I returned home both excited and a little
unsettled. We promised that we would
just do last minute trips in the future even if we only had a few hours
together.
Tom was always kind to me, we never had any disagreements or
arguments. He was sweet, but not overly
so, he was supportive, caring, respectful and seemingly sincere. He made you feel like a better version of
yourself and a better person just for knowing him. He treated all women with respect…to our
faces anyway. The thing he wasn’t…was
available. And eventually, that feeling
of being coupled yet alone began to get to me.
By this time I had moved to the city and I wanted to explore it, but
being the faithful person I am I didn’t feel right going out when he was hard
at work protecting our country.
I was always very careful who I told about Tom. There were two reasons for this. One was I was convinced that it might not be
safe for Tom if the general public knew about his secretive jobs. The other reason was I wasn’t sure it sounded
very believable. I know this should have
been a flashing light to me and in some ways it was, but I was still waiting
for that illusive proof. My two best
friends…one a married woman and the other a single man both reassured me that
his story could be true, after all, someone had these jobs, didn’t they? My friend who is a therapist also said she
had no concerns about his story. The
thing I’ve come to realize about this is that they felt I deserved a man the
caliber of the one Tom pretended to be.
They wanted to believe it too, because they want the best for me.
I also joked many times that I would not condone a client
going on such blind faith with a date.
While you might question my credibility as a dating coach, this is both
a good example of why it’s good to have someone objective and knowledgeable looking
out for you, AND it’s also a reminder that while you are in the midst of emotional,
oxytocin-induced situations, you can’t always see clearly.
It was actually a man I don’t know very well that said “you
know your boyfriend is full of shit, right?”
Now, I usually couldn’t trust what Ryan, and admitted player, said any
more than I could throw him, but I think I just needed to hear someone say it
out loud. I knew in that instant that
what my gut was telling me was true.
Somehow I gave myself permission to not wait for proof and go with my
own gut instead of overanalyzing and wanting everything in black and
white.
This was when I pushed Tom for a visit, it was a Sunday and
I knew he would have some free time. He
texted that morning with details an impromptu Veterans celebration he had
thrown together that morning. He and his
men were going to the VA hospital for “Project Happiness” so there no way he
could see me. He was clever because
wouldn’t it be selfish of me to make a demand when he was doing something so
‘noble?’ But I saw completely through
his lying scheme and the tactic behind it.
So I decided I would go to the local CIRG office the next
day to just ask for him, only I couldn’t find one. Through a friend of a friend, I found out that
FBI agents can arrange verification at their office because it’s common for family
and friends to doubt someone is really in the FBI. I also checked up on other things he had told
me about his time in Raleigh, only nothing was panning out.
I never quite called him a liar, because at this point, I
still didn’t really know for sure. I asked
him to arrange a verification at the FBI and he refused. I explained how I had to go on blind faith
with him and I needed something. I even
asked to talk to his sister, which I knew he could possibly fake but I was
willing to try it, and he refused that too.
He never got angry, he never gas-lighted me, he never tried to talk me
into believing him, he just said it wasn’t possible.
So I told him I would have no choice but to end our
relationship. He never fought, argued or
begged. He simply stated “I
understand. I wish you ever success and
happiness.”
This was my WTF moment!
I think I eloquently replied “wow!”
He said “Goodbye.” That was
it. I have gone out with men ONE TIME
and had them give me a more heartfelt farewell.
My WTF moment truly turned into my AHA moment. I knew then my gut had been more than
right…he was a liar…and almost assuredly a psychopath who had faked everything,
including his feelings. After a day to
catch my breath, I put on my own amateur-investigator hat and started digging
to see what I could possibly find.
A simple $1 free trial of Been Verified turned out to be
quite helpful. One reason he didn’t come
up before was he lied about his age.
He’s actually 52. And, although
he had told me he had only been married once for five years and had been
divorced for five, according to what I could see on this very skeleton report,
he was married two times within a short amount of time. By googling his cell phone number I found
where people had the ability to file insurance for him as a therapist, and he
had offered his help as a therapist during Hurricane Sandy. But that was still pretty much it.
I also contacted the Stolen Valor guys and Scott, the Fake
Marine investigator, is still investigating him. My working theory became that he was just in
Raleigh for a conference, probably practiced as a therapist at an institution
(although he’s not licensed anywhere) and lived with the latest wife in NY or
NJ. I didn’t figure there was a way to prove my theory,
nor would it matter much. I didn’t let
myself get stuck on the unanswered questions and actually found him easier to
get over than I would have thought…I guess because I really did guard part of
my heart until I knew I could believe him.
I moved on.
I had done one other thing.
I had my best friend Holly, send a Facebook message to Jenny. Jenny was Tom’s wife before last. Holly simply included a picture of Tom and me
and asked if she knew this man.
We heard nothing…for a few months, anyway.
One Sunday morning, Holly woke up to a Facebook message fromJPenny. Her reply said most everything we
needed to know. She said she knew this
man and he was her husband, married to multiple women, not a marine, not a
psychologist and does not have cancer.
Our heads were spinning.
Jenny didn’t know about the “other” folder in your Facebook
messages until the night before. Someone
happened to mention it to her and guess what she found? Not only did she find my message but multiple
messages from other women who were also wondering just who Tom Guida really is.
This is how we formed our PTSD
Group…Post Tom Stress Disorder.
As we collectively shared the details of our relationships
with Tom, the proof of his lies, and the pain and healing that have happened
since, we have learned he was far more disturbed than we ever suspected. The gist of the lies boil down to this: he was rejected by the Marines and never got
over it. He never went to real college,
never obtained a PhD and therefore could not have legally practice in PA, NJ
and NY. Despite that, several of the
women visited him at the places he worked where the name on his door and
letterhead read Dr. Tom Guida. He of
course, was never an FBI agent or part of CIRG.
He also claimed with two of the women, shortly after meeting them, that
he had an inoperable brain tumor with just months to live, for which they
sacrificed time with their family and money in order to take care of him. He also verifiably has two current wives (he
lives with one who is blind to his lies), but we are fairly certain he has at
least four. He is a collector of women,
never breaking up with any and certainly never divorces anyone before marrying
the next. Penny is still legally his
wife even though she hasn’t seen him since 2009.
The women in our group are strong…we have become fast
friends and agree that Tom has great taste in women. We formed a bond and found a purpose…to help
stop Tom from preying on other women. We are not after retribution, repayment or
revenge, but instead wish to help the countless women he has left in his
deceitful wake that are suffering in embarrassed silence. We also hope to support the current wife once
the legal consequences catch up to Tom, as well as, help her and Penny get
annulments. We are here to be
supportive, find healing together and find a way not to just stop Tom Guida,
but to stop as many of the Tom Guida’s out there that we can.
And while I know it was somewhat of a career risk to come
forward with my story, I have to be true to myself for several reasons. One is that I preach and practice
authenticity in every aspect of my life.
I just can’t live with having a ‘dirty little secret.’ Another is that I know this experience makes
me a better Dating Coach and if anything, helps me see the value of having a coach
who will help you see more clearly than you can in the blindness of new
love. Third is that because the nature
of online dating is the perfect playing field for predators, we need more
education and legislation to help people be more aware and the perpetrators be
held accountable. Lastly, I need to feel
the freedom that being open affords me.
Being open about this makes me feel vulnerable but it also
shows you my humanity. None of us are
immune to someone who studies the art of such deceit day in and day out. The moment we believe we are impenetrable is
the moment a predator will realize you have left the window open for them.
Going forward, you will find this accelerates
my goals as a dating coach and also motivates me to work hard on changing the
climate of dating. Sometimes that will
be simply by sharing my story and teaching others. In other ways it will be lending a hand to
those who need support after a similar experience. Lastly, it will be to help and support the
passing of new legislation like the “rape by deception” law which will hold
accountable people who misrepresent themselves to others in a romantic
relationship. But mostly I did it for
me and the gals in my PTTD group…I refuse to be a silent victim when they are
so bravely and publicly sharing their own stories.
Going forward, I plan to stay true to myself by still
trusting others…I just won’t let my brain tell my gut to shut up next time…I
feel more empowered than ever now that I know how to listen to it!
And I will stand…stand for those preyed upon.
I will stand…stand for myself.
Most of all, I will stand…stand for
Truth.
